People may say you cant go find peace. It comes from within. I would say when you have been in a place for so long where the inside storms have been raging and all you want is a quiet, still place to just sit. A place where there are no distractions, no outside noise, no loud blustering winds. Just a stillness in the air you can feel. Yes that does and can come from the inside and it should, but until that point if all you have is the outside environment, until the inward man catches up with the outward peace that has always been there, searching for or pursuing peace is constant. It’s a daily endeavor. I knew and know how to keep the environment around me calm. It has always been the way I attempted to keep control and keep the environment “peaceful” lets look like peace instead of being peace. All I knew was one day the way I staged my outward environment, the way I yearned for inner peace it had to meet up. What 1 1 m seeing and feeling has to produce on the inside one day. Now I have learned to have both. God taught me how to go on the inside, concentrate, focus on what He already put inside me. I was taught how to be distracted. How to meet the needs of others before my own. How to see and feel everything except what really matters. Being present. Being in the moment. Of course there are some moments in my life I would choose to fast forward as quickly as possible. I just learned to stop wanting to delete them altogether. I let some of those negative or even bad moments in my life take from me the ability to enjoy those beautiful, just, lovely, virtuous moments. I was programmed to get to the next task. This moment is perfect…. but there is something else to do, accomplish, go after, someone to serve Now! At 37 1’ve lived a life hard enough, fast enough life in my opinion, I’ve seen and experienced enough to want peace. Real peace. Not a peace people pretend to have. From the inside out and from in outside in.
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in
harmony.
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They are both relevant and matter. I’ve always been told “Peace comes from within first!!” With a fist firm and shaking in the air… Well, I’ll say when I had no idea how to channel “inner peace” I couldn’t find it, buy it, borrow it or even pray for it my environment was my crutch. And with Gods grace He showed me how to calm my inner storms. Yes. more than one. Sometimes more than two. The entire time it was Him. God had the key he had already given to me. It was in me all along I had to sit, be real and still for a moment long enough to deal with me. The one God created, not the one I had been trained to be In front of people. I had to shift…which meant removing my self from certain environments and people, and more people. Limit my time communicating with certain people. Shut down all outside information and influences. And Listen, be lead, trust in the Lord with all my heart. I could no longer lead on my own understanding. My own understanding had me in a daily battle with me.
I had to deal with me. Dig and keep digging through the hurt bit by bit, peace by peace. I had to dig it up, and acknowledge it to give it to Him. I came to the realization I was good and going through and not acknowledging things especially things that hurt. Anything we dont acknowledge big or small gets thrown Into a pile In our souls piling up affecting our daily lives. Whether I wanted to deal with it or not. It was still there. What I dont acknowledge I cant change. I had to dig it up even though it hurt like hell and I never wanted to go near certain scars again. I say scars instead of wounds because scars show past injury or trauma. Sometimes there is a scar in an area people cant see but they get close to it, like they are about to pick the scab, it’s too close to what I’ve seen heard or experienced before. Fight or flight kicks in. I
think I’ll fight….So how about lets deal with the scar so it cant ever reopen and see if there are any wounds that need to be healed.
Your scars are and can be beautiful if you remove the hurt from them. He said keep digging theres more. As you dig and pick up, cast it to me. I care for you and I never wanted that left in you. I want you to have the truth about the situation, so it’s just that. It was a situation and not who you are. Keep digging. This will not be fun… but okay. I picked up the hurt from a drug using drug deal father that abandoned me that put me in a situation as a kid homeless at one point, always alert and scared. Cold, hungry, poor. In an extremely hostile, violent environment with no consistency day to day. Always survival mode. Will we eat today? With guns to my face as a kid. That was apart of my development a part I can erase but did help try to shape what I would become. I picked it up with tears and I cast it as hard and as brutally as I could. Here God take It!!! I picked up the sexual abuse that happened in my teen years after my father was killed. And I cast it, the weight of that had many other attachments with it. God I need more help with this one. 1 1 m here He say. My strength is perfect when you are weak. It may seem like you cant lift this one. You got it. Ready lift with tears, I lift the disgust, the shame, the anger and rage that’s attached to this one. I fall on both knees from the weight i push with both hands it was huge. Too big to carry, to big to lift on my own or on my own strength. You’re ready. Lift and cast!!! A sense of relief.
I feel a little lighter. Keep going theres more. Keep digging. And it hurts!!!
I keep digging, tired, walking around my own soul looking at a hell of a mess but getting better moment by moment . I have to keep cleaning it up, it’s too much junk and it has weighed me down too long….l l m ready. What’s next.
